* Tony Mast records with us, but the episode still comes out the next week

* You want to win D&D minis! We want to give them to you! Enter now!

* Literary devices that can be applied to role-playing games

* Fish out of water and system bias

* Matt wants to role-play the Gilmore Girls

* The prologue

* GMs breaking their own rules

* Misdirection

* In the Hodge (live), Joe talks about Taking Chance

* The debut of Shawn Gaston’s Clockworks

* If you like Lovecraft pulp, check out Lovecraft is Missing

* For the hattrick, go read A Girl and her Fed

* Last part of our D&D Minis. Email your answers to joe@podgecast.com

* Harry Potter – the books

* Harry Potter – the movies

* Book 7, how it should have been

* The Last Airbender live action movie

* In the Hodge (live), White Wolf’s new podcast and blog

* Dave Arneson really did die and he is missed.

* Thank you to all those who donated to Luke Appreciation Week, even those whose last names we can’t pronounce

* Kal Penn, House, and Public Service

* Adam is sick of fighting (he also hates happiness)

* Castle Crashers is an awesome game

* We talk about things you might have missed

* System Shock 2

* Red Dwarf

* Black Adder

* Invader Zim

* Venture Bros.

* Failure to Launch

* Supernatural

* Greg the Bunny

* Jim Henson’s Storyteller

* Avatar: The Last Airbender

* O

* The Monster Squad

* Grim Fandango

* Arrested Development

* Steel-Cut Oatmeal

* Emiliana Torrini

* The Sugar Queen

* There is a video forthcoming. When David gets off his duff and edits the video.

* We eventually get to the topic: “What is the best movie sequel?”

* If you listened through the end (Look at you!), you can take the survey David mentions here: Survey!

* Joe is thankful the gang decided to talk about movies, TV, and politics while he was on vacation because he hates talking about those subjects

* The Bear Swarm thinks Joe is their favorite PodgeCast host (other than Table Saw)

* What is a campaign? What is a story?

* What do you like campaign length to be as a player? How about as a GM?

* What are published adventures good for?

* Matt is wise and all-knowing, Luke…not so much

* Number of times we talk about Burning Wheel: 1

* Joe talks about the book, Hitman, in the Hodge (live)

*Luke’s beard is made of magnificence.

*The Penny Arcade we reference is here.

*A discussion of the games, movies, books, shows  we loved and hated in 2008

*Is Luke a grognard?  Does Adam even know how to pronounce that?  Does Matt’s face exude impartiality?

* Regular Matt is back! Bizarro! He’s helping!

* Play Tom Clancy’s Endwar with Luke.

* What is the sexuality of a zombie?

* If you’re going to take a trip to the Grand Canyon (and you should), try and schedule it during a full moon. It’s breathtaking.

* The end of Fallout 3 sucks.

* Check out the other Spooky Outhouse podcasts. They don’t suck.

* Jeff Wayne’s “War of the Worlds” (and specifically the Oooh-laaaah remix)

* Do you mind it when GMs steal content from other media for their games/settings?

* Adam has theories about women, but they are wrong

* Adam has theories about Scooby Doo, but they are wrong

* Adam has theories about Star Wars, but they are wrong…maybe

* What other media gives you inspiration?

* Luke is Captain Underpants

* Cosby Bepop is awesome

* Wil Wheaton love

* What’s the best portrayal of Satan? Constantine vs. The Prophecy

* Rob from the Bear Swarm turns Christmas into Hatemas

* Number of times we discuss Burning Wheel: 2

Plot: The Punisher has to kill 74% of the bad people in New York. This is no small task, so Frank Castle (a.k.a. The Punisher, played perfectly by Ray Stevenson) has to get creative and use every part of his body, every gun, every sharp weapon, and every random object near him to shoot, stab, decapitate, dismember, explode, and burn away the criminals.

Review: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE PROPHCIES ARE TRUE!!!!!!!! If you could take Mountain Dew, a slaughterhouse, the latest issue of Guns & Ammo, a rollercoaster, electric guitars, and the raw power of a flux capacitor, chemically bind them into a film reel, soak that reel in testosterone from the semen of Zeus, cook that soaked reel under the launch of a space shuttle, and finally have it hand delivered by the Dark Lord Sauron himself, you would have THIS FUCKING MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, now that I’ve calmed down a bit, a few thoughts:

If you’re reading this review, you probably haven’t seen this movie yet. I say this because based on opening weekend box office results, almost no one went to see the greatest action movie ever to grace theaters. So shame on you. Support the hard-R action films! Don’t let them release PG-13 Die Hards & Max Paynes anymore!

Second, you’ve also probably read many terribly negative reviews of the film. Ignore them all. They are either ridiculously unfair or simply ignorant to what this movie is supposed to accomplish. The acting is fine. The story is fine. They get the job done to deliver what’s the point here – action intense enough to make Chuck Norris weep. (Oh, for the record, the soundtrack ROCKS ALL SHIT!!!!!)

The action is BRUTAL. I’ve never seen a movie like this, and you’ll be talking about your favorite kills long after the credits roll. I’m talking stuff that will make movie history here. I want to write a paragraph for every spectacular death Frank Castle is responsible for, but I just can’t spoil a single one!

The best part about the movie is how well it delivered to fans of the Marvel “MAX” comic series, which is generally agreed to be the best representation of the character yet. It’s dark, gritty, and more explicit than anything you’ve ever seen of read. The comic gets into much more detail than the movie of course, but still is a great taste of what it’s all about.

Enjoying this movie comes down to this – how much you enjoy action, violence, gore, some dark laughs, and above all else, a total blast at the movies.

Punisher: War Zone gets 10 out of 10 of the coolest onscreen kills ever.

What Should Have Been the Plot: Near carbon copy of the first two Transporter films – this involves a really cool, disciplined dude named Frank Martin (Jason Statham) who has to take something to a certain place. Things aren’t as easy as expected, so aforementioned dude has to kick dozens of people in the face and jump cars over shit.

Actual Plot: Apparently it’s a movie about an evil food conspiracy because it seemed to me that a majority of the running time was Frank Martin discussing salads with the girl he had to transport. Now seriously, the previous Transporter films may have stretched reality a bit at times, but it was all part of the fun. Transporter 3 was totally unrealistic because Frank Martin would never eat a sissy salad. If he wants an appetizer before he eats dinner, he has a bowl of motor oil.

If things couldn’t get any worse, there was actually a scene, not kidding here, of Frank snuggling with the girl on a hillside at sunset, talking about something that I’d guess was in a Hallmark card. B-O-R-I-N-G. That’s when I knew all hope was lost. The few potentially fun action scenes were a visual mess, for the most part, due to poor editing & camera work. (See my Quantum of Solace review.) So there really was very little to enjoy about the film.

I’d also like to mention that any advances actresses like Angelina Jolie, Milla Jovovich, or Carrie-Anne Moss have made for female action stars have now been set back due to the stupid girl with an accent who should not have been part of Transporter 3.

Review: Not enough action. None of the action was properly filmed or edited. Too much froofy conversation. Not worthy of a Transporter sequel.

Transporter 3 gets 3 out of 10 Jason Statham ab muscles.

Plot: Taking place literally minutes after the events of Casino Royale (best 007 movie ever), Quantum of Solace leads James Bond (Daniel Craig) on a path of revenge against those who wronged him and those he cared about. Along the way, Bond discovers a secret organization that is bigger and deeper than he’d ever imagined. This is terrible for him, but great for the audience, as it opens up endless lines of cannon fodder henchmen for 007 to lay the smack down on.

Review: I’ll start with the title. Many people were a little confused by what ‘Quantum of Solace’ exactly means, so let’s break it down for the ignorant masses, shall we? ‘Quantum’ is an ancient Latin word used by the Gecko-Romans to describe the utilization of cars, boats, motorcycles, and planes. ‘Solace’ is a word that loosely translates from its original French or Mexican as “to fracture the skulls of those who dare even look at you the wrong way.” So, based on title analysis, the film is about James Bond using fast things with motors to kill a whole bunch of evil people wearing suits. Beyond that, if the vehicles don’t finish the job, he always uses the personal touch of a gun or a fist. Rock on. Doesn’t get much better then that, especially considering there were actually scenes near the end of Casino Royale where Bond played kissyface on the beach with some girl and talked about relationships. This sequel could have been called ‘Autumn Breaths of Cedar Passion’ or some such crap. We must count our blessings.

You’ll see my score at the bottom only gets a 7 though, as I have to be an honest critic. As much as I enjoyed the movie, two things stood out from making this the greatest motion picture of our time. The first problem is that the movie broke an important action movie rule – each successive action sequence should be bigger than the previous one, yielding a massive, shit-your-pants, epic ending – hopefully ending up in space, regardless of the validity of such a situation. The ending of the movie rocked, but did not match the intensity of the first half hour, making you feel a little let down. The second problem is the editing of the action sequences. There are way too many quick edits and overuse of the shaky cam. You have these incredible sequences that you can’t fully appreciate because you’re not allowed to see all of it. (This is a problem I’ve been seeing in many recent action films.) Despite that, there are some seriously awesome stunts and plenty of excitement! As a sidenote, I’ve never been the ‘cultured’ type, but if ballet was described as people fighting on ropes in construction zones, I’d buy a fucking ballet season pass. 

My minor gripes don’t make it a bad movie though. It’s a more concise film in terms of story, but logically expands on past events and forces 007 to think about the consequences of some of his actions. Above all else, it’s great follow up to Casino Royale and paves the way for plenty of future Bond fun.

Quantum of Solace gets 7 out of 10 GoldenEye cartridges for the Nintendo 64.

(Host’s Note: Bob “Roberto Suave” Kaczmarczyk is the PodgeCast’s official Movie and TV reviewer. For those of you who haven’t experienced a Roberto Suave review, you’re in for an exciting ride. Those that have seen his reviews before know to look for the Roberto Suave Seal of Approval before going to see this week’s best movie ever. So with the first of many, the PodgeCast proudly presents Robert Suave’s Best Ever.)

Death Race Review

Studios: Paramount Pictures, Universal Pictures, United Artists Films

Director: Paul W.S. Anderson

Starring: Jason Statham, Joan Allen, Ian McShane, Tyrese Gibson, Natalie Martinez

Plot: It’s the future, the economy tanked, and the overcrowded prisons are privately owned. The ultimate pay-per-view twisted metal sporting event is “Death Race,” which consists of inmates fighting for their freedom in cool cars tricked out with bad-ass weapons, magically filled with busty babes. (The cars are filled with the babes, not the weapons. If they ever make a sequel that includes hooter hotties being shot out of cannons that are mounted on cars, I’ll personally cash in my 401k to finance the stunts of the film.) Jensen Ames (Jason Statham) is a man falsely imprisoned for murdering his family, and it’s up to him to win his freedom and set right what is wrong in the world of Death Race.

Review: In short, this movie is the greatest single item in the history of the universe. I say “item” because it’s not simply the best movie ever. It surpasses every magnificent creation that humans or God or Michael Bay has ever made or done. Mozart’s “Smells Like Symphony No. 5?” Death Race is better. Moses splitting the Louisiana Purchase? Death Race smokes that. Bad Boys 2? Death Race is Bad Boys 3.

I mean seriously, did you see how many fucking cars flipped in the movie?!?!?? Cars flipped more times than instances I didn’t go to see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.

Oh, most importantly, for you physics nuts out there – Death Race has officially changed the SI unit of force. A Newton (N) has been replaced with the Statham (STATHAM). Once you see what Jason Statham does with his fists in this flick, you’ll understand.

Alas, even the greatest single item in the history of the universe still can’t be perfect – my only little gripe is that some portions of the races had too many quick edits and overuse of the shaky cam. It’s a shame they put so much effort into the car stunts, only to prevent us from seeing them in their full beauty.

Aside from that, I loved the flick, so go see it ASAFP. It’s the ultimate way to end the awesome summer movie season!

Death Race gets 9 out of 10 STATHAMS.

Roberto Suave

* The logo design contest is in full swing! You can find information here.

* Thanks to Stefan Sallay (Dhyjinx) for creating the logo we’re going to use on our business cards.

* Grungydan’s “Great First Lines” Livejournal community can be found here.

* We say we’re going to talk about Burning Wheel, but don’t.

* Let the Bat-critiquing commence! If you’re interested in the Backseat Producers’ take on it, you can check that episode out at their website here.

* In the Hodge (Live), Joe talks about Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.

Then enjoy it again before The Dark Knight.  Only enbiggenated.