‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the tubes
Not a poster was posting, not even the noobs;
Subscriptions were made on iTunes with care,
In hopes that Uncle Jimbone soon would be there;
The listeners were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of beer nipples danced in their heads;
And Adam on stripper pole, Luke in wide stance
Had just settled down for a long bromance
When up on the intarwebs arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the laptop I flew like a flash,
Opened Firefox and went to the PodgeCast.
The glow of the screen on my angry eyebrows
Made me look happy, lord knows how
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a bottle of moonshine and a hoedown right here,
With a lively ol’ jig and a skip in his walk,
Uncle Jimbone arrived and began to talk.
More rapid than eagles the forum posters came,
He clambered and clattered and called them by name
“Now Havick! now Dunphy! now Mr. Keith Curtis!
On Becca! on Gaerma! on Tim White!” he blurted.
“To the top of the nets! To the Outhouse Wall!
Now Podge away! Podge away! Podge away all!”
Quicker than flamers trolling the forums,
The listeners gathered and began to swarm;
So off to a wing night the fans they flew,
With beer and weck and barbecue too.
And then, with a clacking, I heard through the haze
Dice shucking and rolling as Uncle Jimbone plays.
Burning Wheel in my hand, I knew it would be,
The Uncle would sit in on this week’s KTNG.
Dressed in overalls, from his feet to his skull,
Recording with Jimbone would never be dull;
A bottle of whiskey he had flung on his back,
So much to drink that we never would lack.
Velociraptor, David, and Table Saw too,
But Matt Cushman got lost when he went to the loo!
Luke wooed and he hollered and he talked with a lisp;
He smiled and said, “I’ve been Pocalapalypsed!”
With his bottle of hobowine, a modern McGyver,
He drank like a host of Accidental Survivors;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a jolly eyeballologist,
And I laughed at his impression by the Brilliant Gameologists;
With Walker and Meg and Dave along too
Adam still couldn’t segue, there’s nothing to do;
Uncle Jimbone spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the aggregators then turned with a jerk,
There were only so many of our jokes he could stand,
And after an hour it was too much to demand;
He sprang to the chat room and gave the listeners a wink,
Then he logged off and timed out and disappeared in a blink.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he shot out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”
Musical solo by Jennifer J. Notch.